


After the Prank

by FarawayTreeFairy



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angry James, Angst, Eating Disorders, Heavy Angst, Hogwarts, Lily takes care of Sirius, M/M, MWPP, Marauders' Era, Panic Attacks, Parental Abuse, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, The Prank, after the prank, very angry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-19
Updated: 2017-04-19
Packaged: 2018-10-21 00:37:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10674060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FarawayTreeFairy/pseuds/FarawayTreeFairy
Summary: The fall-out from Sirius sending Snape to the Shrieking Shack on the full moon.'Is Remus ok? What about Snape?' I whirled around to face James, from where I had been restlessly pacing in front of the fire for the past hour, waiting for him to return. He had finally climbed through the portrait hole, his face drawn and pale. As soon as his eyes came to rest on me however his face transformed into an expression I'd never seen before- pure, undiluted anger and disgust. Much like how Mother looks every time she so much as glances in my direction, a faint and unwelcome part of my brain noted. Eyes hard, James stalked over to where I was stood and grabbed me by the front of my robes. What happened next was so fast I didn't even realise what had happened until my head snapped back and I felt the blood running from my nose. I swiped at it with my hand and saw the bright red liquid on it, proof that James, my best friend, had just punched me.





	After the Prank

**Author's Note:**

> TW for frank description of self-harm (cutting), panic attacks, implied eating disorder, suicidal thoughts and parental abuse. If you spot something I've missed please let me know. There is also a lot of angst, serious angst.
> 
> On a separate note I haven't abandoned 'You Burn Brighter Than the Stars' if anyone who has been reading that is also reading this. I'm just really, really stuck on it at the moment.

'Is Remus ok? What about Snape?' I whirled around to face James, from where I had been restlessly pacing in front of the fire for the past hour, waiting for him to return. He had finally climbed through the portrait hole, his face drawn and pale. As soon as his eyes came to rest on me however his face transformed into an expression I'd never seen before- pure, undiluted anger and disgust. _Much like how Mother looks every time she so much as glances in my direction_ , a faint and unwelcome part of my brain noted. Eyes hard, James stalked over to where I was stood and grabbed me by the front of my robes. What happened next was so fast I didn't even realise what had happened until my head snapped back and I felt the blood running from my nose. I swiped at it with my hand and saw the bright red liquid on it, proof that James, my best friend, had just punched me.

'Get out.'

'Wh..what?'

'You heard me Sirius. GET OUT! Get out before I beat the living shit out of you. Do you have any idea what could have happened if I hadn't gotten to Snape in time? He could have been killed Sirius! And Moony would have been executed as a result. Moony, our best friend. The best part of us. Your boyfriend. The Ministry would have had him put down like a dog. But you don't care about that do you? You're just like the rest of your family Sirius, you make me sick. Get out and don't bother coming back.'

With that James turned and stalked across the common room towards the stairs leading to our, no _his_ , dormitory. I sank down onto the floor in front of the now dying fire, tears blurring my vision. My chest suddenly felt too tight and every breath was a struggle. I sat there for Merlin knew how long until I felt like I could breathe again. My whole body shaking I clumsily stood up, trying to ignore the heart-wrenching pain and despair that threatened to engulf me as I struggled to process what had happened, what I had done. I did the only thing that made sense and I transformed in to Padfoot, whose emotional range was nowhere near as complicated. I bounded through the portrait hole and made my way through the castle, growling at Mrs Norris when she fixed her headlight-like eyes on me and bared my teeth until she slunk away into the shadows.

I trotted through the doors of the Entrance Hall into the school grounds and made for a thick overgrown area of bushes near the Great Lake. I crawled on my belly into the shelter of the bushes and curled up, hoping I would wake to find it had all been a bad dream. A small part of me just hoped that I wouldn't wake up full stop. When I awoke the next morning, damp with morning dew, I knew that my prayers hadn't been answered. I crawled back out of the bushes and quickly made my way up to the castle, wanting nothing more than to see Moony and explain. When I reached the Entrance Hall I hid behind a statue of armour and waited until I saw James and Peter enter the Great Hall for breakfast. Both boys were pale and drawn, large bags under their eyes. My doing I noted sadly. Now I knew they were safely ensconced in the Great Hall I all but ran to the hospital wing, desperate to see Remus and talk to him, explain why I did what I did. I had barely stepped over the threshold before Madam Pomfrey was on me. 'Out. _Now_.'

'But-'

'No buts Mr Black. Mr Lupin is in no state to be disturbed, he needs peace and quiet to be able to recuperate and heal from his wounds.' She looked at me severely, anger and distaste glinting in her eyes. 'And most of all he does not need you anywhere near him for the foreseeable future.' She sniffed and turned on her heel, quietly and efficiently marching away to check on her patients.

My heart sinking, I turned away and made my way to Gryffindor Tower, where I hastily showered and dressed whilst James and Peter were still at breakfast. I grabbed my bag and books, and ran out of the dormitory, quickly making my way through the common room and out into the corridor. While I had been focused on the task of showering and dressing as quickly as possible, I hadn't thought about the events of last night. Now however it all came rushing back into my head, the thought that Snape could have been attacked, killed because of me, all because I stupidly told him how to get past the willow, and as a consequence Remus would have been condemned to die by the Ministry who would not have cared that it was not his fault. Even if, by some miracle, they allowed Remus to live, I knew that he would not be able to live with himself. I would have been responsible for making him the murderer he always fears becoming on the full moon after I had promised to do everything I could to protect and look after him on those nights- the ultimate betrayal.

I touched my face gingerly where James had hit me the night before, my nose was sore and felt like it might possibly be broken. I welcomed the pain though, it provided a distraction of sorts but it wasn't enough. The thoughts in my head were quickly threatening to overwhelm me and all I could hear was my mother's voice telling me what a disgrace I was, that I was worthless and cared for no one but myself. I ducked into the third floor toilets and hastily shut myself in a cubicle. Rooting in my bag I found my silver knife I used for potions, a knife that Remus couldn't touch because it burnt his skin. I always cut the ingredients in potions because he couldn't hold it. Now he would find someone else to do that for him. A fresh wave of pain washed over me as I rolled the left sleeve of my robes back and brought the cool blade of the knife against my skin and I shut my eyes on an inhale. Breathing out I drew the knife along my skin, welcoming its bite. Opening my eyes I saw a trickle of red running down my arm. It was like popping a balloon but instead of air leaving my body it was despair and guilt and shame and self-hatred. Oh I knew it was only a temporary reprieve, but it was a habit I had picked up a few years ago and had managed to keep successfully hidden from the other Marauders with the use of healing spells and charms to glamour the scars left behind. Not even Moony, my boyfriend (probably now _ex_ -boyfriend), knew what I had been doing to myself and our relationship had been physical for nearly a year now. I didn't whisper a healing spell this time though, I wanted something I could lay my hand against every time my roiling emotions threatened to overwhelm me throughout the course of the day. I needed to feel the pain to distract me.

I blotted the blood away with tissue and sat for a while longer until the cut had stopped bleeding. I rolled my sleeve back down, exited the stall and made my way to the first lesson of the day History of Magic. Eyes downcast I walked past my usual seat next to James and made my way to the back of the class. Normally I would doss in this lesson, exchanging notes with James or sleeping but I always took notes for Remus the day after the full moon when he was still in the Hospital Wing recovering from his transformation the night before. He may not want my notes now though but I was determined to do what I could to help him, to try to make amends for what I had done, so I pulled out my parchment and quill. Paying attention to Professor Binns for once and concentrating on making legible notes helped divert my mind. Only a couple of times did I need to press my hand against my fresh cut when I saw James throwing me dirty looks. Peter refused to look in my direction, a nervous expression flitting across his face. He hated confrontation of any sort, a product of his parents arguing at home before they split up, but he would always side with James in arguments.

The next lesson was transfiguration and there were muttered whispers amongst fellow classmates when they realised that for the second lesson in a row I wasn't sat with James and Peter.

'Looks like he's been punched in the face...'

'I heard yelling coming from the common room early this morning...'

'He wasn't with them at breakfast earlier...'

'Haven't seen Remus this morning...'

I did my best to ignore them and concentrate on taking notes and vanishing my snail instead. At the end of the lesson I made to leave but was stopped by Professor McGonagall. 'A moment Mr Black if you would.'

Halting in my tracks I turned and faced her, sure that what she was about to say could not be good.

'Professor Dumbledore would like to see you in his office after dinner Mr Black, to discuss the events of last night.' Her expression was severe and the guilt already coursing through my body became stronger. Not that I would ever admit it but McGonagall was one of the few people whose opinion mattered to me and I hated myself even more for letting her down.

I nodded. 'Yes Professor. May I go now?'

'You may Mr Black.'

The rest of the day followed the same pattern. The whispering and sideways glances continued in every lesson, but I tried to concentrate on taking notes for Remus, and ignore the fact that my friends, former friends I supposed, wouldn't even so much as look at me, never mind sit anywhere near me. I avoided the Great Hall at lunch and dinner, the thought of food made me feel sick, so I arrived at Dumbledore's office before dinner was over.

Upon entering his office I saw Professor McGonagall seated behind the desk, tight lipped and frowning disapprovingly at another individual seated in front of the desk. Upon hearing Professor Dumbledore and I enter that person turned around and I found myself face to face with my mother. My heart jolted unpleasantly and dread began to pool in my stomach as I took in her grim expression. 'Hello Mother,' I said quietly.

She said nothing, just inclined her head with a sneer on her face, before turning to Professor Dumbledore who had taken a seat behind his desk next to McGonagall. 'Was it really necessary for me to come to Hogwarts Headmaster? I have a busy evening ahead, Orion and I are entertaining the Malfoys.'

'My apologies for interrupting your dinner plans Walburga but your son has been involved in a serious incident involving another student.' The ever-present twinkle was currently absent from Dumbledore's eyes, replaced by mild distaste.

'As I understand it the student in question was a half-blood, hardly worth the worry I should think.'

'Mrs Black!' McGonagall exclaimed hotly, disbelief and horror on her face. I wasn't surprised, going by my mother's standards this was quite tame for her. I had heard far, far worse around the dinner table at home.

Dumbledore held up a hand, silencing McGonagall and her lips compressed into a tight line. 'Mrs Black I think you underestimate the severity of the incident. Mr Black gave another student instruction on how to access an extremely dangerous creature within the Forbidden Forest last night. No doubt he thought it would be an amusing jape but I am sure that you remember the nature of the creatures roaming the forest from your own time at Hogwarts. It was only because of the quick actions of Sirius' friend Mr Potter that Mr Snape was saved from meeting his untimely demise. The only reason I am not expelling Mr Black is because I do not believe that he intended for Mr Snape to be killed.'

Relief washed through me at the edited version of events that Dumbledore gave my mother. I would do whatever it took to prevent her from finding out Remus' furry little secret as James had taken to describing it. I had been trying to protect Remus last night, not only from my family but from other pureblood families who had like minded views on werewolves. However all I had done was endanger him further.

My mother turned towards me, her expression furious. 'A Slytherin, you nearly killed a _Slytherin_. You would have been his housemate, had you not been so stupid as to get yourself sorted into that house of blood traitors and muggle lovers.'

'Mrs Black.' Although softly spoken, Dumbledore's voice cut through my mother's tirade. 'Whilst we celebrate the different qualities the members of each house possess, we also encourage unity across the different houses. Particularly given the current climate of the wizarding world.'

My mother scoffed at Dumbledore. 'There are those of us who welcome the Dark Lord and the changes he will bring. The wizarding race grows weak because of the contamination of our blood, of our magic, the Dark Lord will makes us strong again.'

Dumbledore viewed my mother with a pitying expression. 'It saddens me to hear you think so Mrs Black. But back to the topic on hand, I want to assure you that Mr Black is to be punished. He is forthwith removed from the Gryffindor Quidditch team, he will be in detention until the end of the school year and he has lost visitation rights to Hogsmeade for the remainder of the school year too.'

My mother sniffed. 'You do not punish your students harshly enough Headmaster, you should look to Durmstrang, they use more _martial_ means...'

Dumbledore frowned at my mother. 'How I discipline my students is not for you to comment on Walburga. Naturally you are free to discipline your children how you see fit at home, within the law of course, but here at Hogwarts they fall under my care.'

My Mother inclined her head. 'I would to talk to my son in private Headmaster.' Dumbledore blinked, unused to being chucked out of his own office I supposed, but he rose to his feet. 'There is a particularly interesting feature on one of the paintings down the hall I should like to show you Minerva. I happened to notice it only the other day and I think you will find it amusing.'

McGonagall rose too, following Dumbledore, but she looked at me and her eyes softened before exiting the room. The moment the door closed behind them my mother quickly cast a silencing spell at the door, and then turned her wand on me. ' _Crucio_.'

I fell to the floor, my entire body wracked with such agonising pain that I was sure I would not survive it. How much time passed I could not tell, it felt like hours and days had elapsed when she lifted the spell. I lay shaking head to toe, unable to see straight, my breath heaving in and out of my lungs.

'You _stupid_ boy,' she hissed viciously. 'You have embarrassed me in front of that muggle-loving fool and you have befouled the family name with this stupid stunt you have pulled. You've spent too long in the company of mudbloods and blood-traitors in that house. You're a disgrace to the House of Black, worthless, an abomination of my flesh. I should have had you drowned at birth.' She pointed her wand at me again and hit me with another Cruciatus curse. 'I suggest you think hard about where your loyalties lie, blood-traitors will be amongst the first to go when the Dark Lord takes over the wizarding world.' With that she turned on her heel and marched over to the door, allowing it to slam behind her.

Using what little strength I had left I grabbed the chair and pulled myself up, managing to only just resume my seat by the time Dumbledore and McGonagall returned to the office. I hid my hands in the folds of my robes so they would not see them trembling, but even so McGonagall looked at me shrewdly as she took her seat.

'Mr Potter managed to reach Mr Snape before he entered the Shrieking Shack, however he was able to glimpse Mr Lupin at the end of the tunnel. I am sure I do not need to impress on you the severity of the consequences had Mr Lupin attacked Mr Snape whilst he was in his werewolf form. Mr Snape has been forbidden from telling anyone else of Mr Lupin's condition, and he is being docked 50 points for entering the tunnel. I am also docking points from Gryffindor for your appalling lack of judgement and endangering the lives of three fellow students to the sum of 150 points. Do you understand Mr Black?' asked Dumbledore.

I just nodded my understanding; I didn't trust myself to speak, sure that my voice would break. I would not cry in front of them.

'You are to report to Professor McGonagall's office every evening after dinner for your detention, and Filch has you listed as prohibited from Hogsmeade. If I catch even so much as a whiff that you have been there without permission you will be expelled. Do I make myself clear?'

'Yes Professor.'

Dumbledore nodded. 'In that case I will excuse myself, I have a hankering for a treacle tart.' On any other occasion I would have found this amusing but my mother's words lingered in the air, tainting the normally pleasant atmosphere of Dumbledore's office. McGonagall remained seated behind the desk, studying me over the top of her spectacles.

'Mr Black...Sirius.'

I shut my eyes, not wanting to look my head of house. I heard her sigh sadly and jumped slightly when I felt her hand on my arm; I hadn't heard her move out from behind the desk. 'Whilst I do not wish to detract from the severity of the situation, I want you to know that I do not believe that you sent Mr Snape to the Shrieking Shack simply for frivolity, because I do not believe that you would ever intentionally hurt the person you love.'

I looked at McGonagall in surprise. 'I am not stupid Mr Black, nor am I blind. I have seen you and Mr Lupin together on a number of occasions around the castle, you ought to work on your hiding places better.'

I thought bitterly that if Mulciber had not spotted Moony and I together then maybe none of this would have happened.

'I do hope that, given time, together you two can overcome what has happened.'

I swallowed around the tight ache in my throat that signaled tears but could not muster any words to reply. Instead I simply nodded and we sat in silence for a few minutes until I felt the worst of the urge to break down and cry pass. Her hand remained on my arm the entire time, silently comforting me. I swiped at my eyes. 'May I be excused Professor?'

'You may Mr Black.'

I rose and had my hand on the door handle when she called my name, and I stilled.

'The wizarding world is in general very open and tolerant of what may be called alternative lifestyles Mr Black. It is only the more traditional pureblood families that tend to disagree with it, mostly because of the lack of an heir it will result in. If you want to discuss it with me, or any other matters that are on your mind, my office door is always open Mr Black.' I nodded, still with my back to McGonagall, having no intention of confiding in her or anybody else.

After leaving Dumbledore's office I aimlessly wandered through the castle thinking of what Professor McGonagall had said to me, about not believing that I told Snape how to get past the Whomping Willow for shits and giggles. She was right, not that anyone else would believe me. Snape had been goading me, not that that was anything new, and I had been about to hex him when he started talking about Remus. This was new territory, normally he stuck to taunting me about what a disappointment I was to the Most Noble and Ancient House of Black, how glad my parents were that they still had a loyal son they could depend on to continue the family name rather than the worthless, blood traitor I had turned out to be. This time though, he causally informed me that Mulciber had seen Remus and I snogging outside the prefects bathroom a few nights before, where we thought we had been safely hidden from prying eyes, tucked behind a statue of Boris the Bewildered. I scoffed, I didn't care if the other students knew I was gay and I knew it would kill my parents to find out. Snape continued though, a malicious grin spreading across his sallow face, making him look like a caricature of a grotesquely carved Halloween pumpkin. Wouldn't it be a shame for my parents to discover that not only was I gay, enough of a sin in their eyes, but that my _boyfriend_ had a strange habit of disappearing from Hogwarts one night a month, right around the time of the full moon. My parents who despised magical beasts, especially 'dark' creatures, and saw them as so inferior to wizards and witches as to barely be worthy of serving them. A whisper in the ear of magical employers and Remus would find himself barred from any wizarding job he applied to, even those who were sympathetic to the plight of werewolves wouldn't dare hire him. Furthermore there were still some traditional pureblood families who thought it good sport to _hunt_ werewolves, mount their heads on the walls of their mansions, and warm their feet on the pelts on cold nights.

I felt my blood run cold and icy panic grip my heart. All I knew was I had to protect Remus at all costs, he was the best part of me, of all the Marauders. I loved him more than I thought possible to love another human, even more than I loved James. In the haughtiest voice I could muster, trying not to show my panic, I told Snape how to get past the willow so he could find out for himself where Remus went. I had thought that Snape would hear the wolf's howling from the passage to the Shrieking Shack and wet himself in fear, and thus leave Remus alone. My ill-formed idea had been based on myself, James and Peter already being in the shack in our animagus forms and being able to influence Moony, keeping him away from Snape. However I hadn't banked on the three of us getting detention from Professor Slughorn on the night of the full moon, keeping us from Moony, leaving him to transform on his own and allowing Snape to get to the shack before we could be there.

I was jittery all the way through detention as we scrubbed cauldrons in the dungeons under Slughorn's watchful eye, and James and Peter kept throwing me furtive glances. Once we got out they rounded on me.

'For Merlin's sake Pads, what's wrong with you? Moony's been transforming on his own for years, we'll be there with him soon enough he'll be fine.' James sounded so confident in his assessment of the situation that for a split-second I envied my best friend, wondering what it would be like to grow up with parents who loved and nurtured you, who instilled a strong sense of who you were and where you belonged in the world. I knew differently however and I grabbed the map from James' back pocket and tapped it with my wand, muttering 'I solemnly swear I am up to no good.' I frantically searched the map looking for the dot labelled Snape and found him crossing the grounds towards the Whomping Willow.

'Shit shit shit _shit_.'

'Sirius, what the fuck is the matter?' James demanded. He grabbed the map and immediately noticed the dot labelled Snape enter the secret passage that led to the Shrieking Shack. 'Godfuckingdammit Sirius, what the hell have you done?' he snarled. 'Peter, Snape's going to the Shack, go get Minnie and Dumbles, _hurry_ , Remus' life depends on it.'

Peter, a frightened expression on his pudgy face, ran off towards McGonagall's office and James started off down the corridor in the opposite direction. I ran after him but he shoved me away. 'Don't you think you've done enough damage Sirius? Go back to the common room, don't come anywhere near Remus tonight.' With that he sped up and was soon out of sight. Heart in my mouth I ducked behind the tapestry of 1746 Quidditch world cup and used the secret passage hidden behind it to take a short cut back to the Gryffindor common room. Hours seemed to pass pacing in front of the fire until James reappeared and punched me.

Every day after that night, up until Remus appeared in lessons a week later, I attempted to gain access to the hospital wing to see him. It was the longest time he'd spent there since we had successfully become animagi to spend the full moon nights with him, and I couldn't bear to think what kind of state he was in after having spent the moon alone for the first time in months. Madam Pomfrey however had placed wards upon the hospital door, disallowing me access, even as Padfoot. So the first time I saw Moony back in lessons my heart leapt, thinking I would finally get the chance to talk to him, to explain. My hope was short lived as I approached him after morning lessons were over. James stepped in front of me, blocking my path to Remus. 'Don't even think about going anywhere near Moony, he doesn't need you or want to see you. Can't say I blame him really.'

'But I need-'

'No, It's not about what you need Sirius, you selfish git. Stay the hell away from him, from all of us.' With that he turned his back and walked away from me, catching up to Remus and Peter who had walked on ahead of him.

My heart cracked and despair flowed freely through my body, all I could hear in that moment was my mother's voice screaming about what a disappointment I was, that I was worthless, unlovable. I hastily made my way to the nearest bathroom and slammed into a stall, frantically ripping back my sleeve and casting an 'accio' for my knife. I hissed in relief as I felt the cool tip of the blade bite my skin, and tears rolled down my face as I watched the blood bead and roll down my arm.

Within a week my forearm was littered with fresh and half-healed cuts, all self-inflicted with my silver potions knife. I didn't even bother to glamour them anymore, not when I had stopped sleeping in the dormitory since James had made it clear I was no longer welcome there. I had written Remus a letter, explaining why I did what I did, and apologizing for everything. For sending Snape to the Shack, for endangering James, for nearly being responsible for him being a murderer. I left it with the notes I had taken whilst he'd been in the hospital wing, on his bed with a bar of Honeyduke's finest chocolate, Remus' favourite. The next time I had entered the dormitory I found an amalgam of melted chocolate and ash on my bed. I had no idea if Remus had even read the letter but the meaning was clear. Heart in my throat I chucked all my possessions in my trunk, shrank it until it fit in my pocket and went in search of somewhere to sleep that wasn't a tangled bush outside.

I found an abandoned classroom with a small adjoining office on a no longer used corridor, where neither prefects nor teachers patrolled. I transfigured an old desk into a bed and slept in the office, and did my homework in there too. I only left to go to lessons and do my detention every evening with McGonagall. Occasionally I visited the kitchens for food but I had no taste for it, nor the desire to eat it, and my body was already reflecting this, exacerbated by the fact I had been kicked off the Quidditch team as punishment for what I had done. I could see my ribs through my pale skin, and my hip bones jutted out so prominently it was painful to sleep on my front, although I still mostly slept as Padfoot; in human form my nightmares were full of ravenous beast like black shapes with razor sharp teeth and long claws chasing me down a dark and enclosed tunnel. Just as they caught me the scene would dissolve to show Remus, strapped into a chair as a ministry official walked towards him with purpose, a glinting needle in hand, preparing to administer a lethal injection. I would wake, heart pounding and gasping for breath, feeling the sweat pouring off of me.

My nightmare haunted me during my waking hours too. My mother's words reverberated through my head on a daily basis, embalming me like fire and the hatred pulsed through my veins until I felt like I could scream myself hoarse. I would run into the forbidden forest as Padfoot and howl and bark until I had no voice left. It showed on my face too; sallow, pale skin and dark circles under my eyes. I no longer looked like the handsome Gryffindor student who had allegedly slept with most of the sixth and seventh year girls. Female students no longer flitted around me, pouting and batting their eyelashes as they flirted with me. I continued to sit alone in lessons, the circle of empty seats around me almost like a physical barrier. Although no one outside the Marauders and Snape knew what had happened, everyone knew that I had in some way betrayed my friends but no one seemed surprised by it, as if they had simply been waiting for me to fuck up.

'Well he is a Black after all, it was only a matter of time before he showed his true colours...'

'You can take the boy out of Slytherin but you can't take Slytherin out of the boy...'

'What do you expect with parents like that. I hear they've thrown their lot in with the Dark Lord...'

Even in lessons that required partners I was on my own, seeming to shrink into the background so that not even the teachers noticed I worked alone. My partner in potions had always been Moony, but now he had moved to share a bench with Lily Evans. Although expected, it stung seeing him huddled over the cauldron he shared with Evans, talking and laughing with her. I squared my shoulders and concentrated on cutting my aconite roots to the right proportions before adding them to the cauldron bubbling away in front of me. There was a loud bang and flash of bright light, followed by a cloud of smoke and I felt the contents of my cauldron splatter all over me.

'Well, well Mr Black, what's this?' Professor Slughorn appeared out of the smoke to stand beside my work bench, lazily waving his wand and dissipating the smoke.

'It just exploded on me when I added my aconite roots Sir.' I scratched at my face and neck where the potion had made contact with my bare skin. As I brought my hand away I saw the skin reddening underneath the where the potion had landed on it.

Slughorn frowned, deep in thought. 'Odd, very odd. The only reason for that kind of reaction would be if you had added blood in with the ingredients.'

I felt a wave of panic wash through me and I fought to keep my expression neutral. 'Blood Sir?' I asked, proud of the lazy drawl I managed. In my peripheral vision I saw Evans go still before turning slightly as if to listen in better on the conversation.

'Yes, blood Mr Black.' Slughorn eyed my hands and for one heart stopping minute I thought he was going to reach for my arm and examine it for injuries.

'I must have nicked my finger whilst I was cutting the aconite roots Sir.' 

'Hmph. Very well Mr Black. Be more careful next time. Clean up this mess and then off to the hospital wing with you to see Madam Pomfrey, otherwise you'll come out in a nasty rash.'

I hurriedly cleaned up, vanishing the spoiled potion, before packing up my stuff and heading to the small office where I was sleeping. I had no intention of seeing Pomfrey, she probably still had wards up on the hospital wing barring me entrance and besides I knew I could clear any rashes with the healing spells I had learnt to help Remus on the morning after the full moon.

I healed the rashes caused by the exploding potion and pulled my transfiguration homework out of my bag. This was the first time in six years at Hogwarts that every bit of homework was handed in on time, often completed several days before it was due. I was turning into Moony. That thought saddened me and my mind drifted to my ex-boyfriend, and the other Marauders. I missed them so much it was like missing a limb. Sometimes in lessons I would just sit and watch them, laughing and joking together. It almost felt like I had never been a part of the Marauders, as if I had dreamt the past six years and all the pranks we had planned, our late night forays around the castle under James’ invisibility cloak and the comradery between us. My friends had been my real family, and there had been security in that, knowing that I was loved in spite of all my failures.

I missed the physical contact with my friends as well- since coming to Hogwarts I’d learnt I was a very tactile person. My family were not ones for physical demonstrations of familial love and I reveled in the one armed hugs, shoves and shoulder slaps from my friends. I was constantly touching them too; a ruffle of their hair, a hand resting on their shoulder, propping my feet up in their laps on the sofa in front of the common room fire. As we had gotten older and my feelings for Moony had developed into something more than friendship I was always finding reasons to touch him, and my favourite evenings were those where I would sit at his feet in front of the fire, my back against his legs, and he would run his hand through my hair. We had skirted around the edges of it for months, lingering glances, a casual touch that lasted slightly too long to be accidental, an awkward tension between us that lasted for weeks until James had gotten us drunk on firewhiskey at his house last summer and dared me to kiss Moony in a game of Truth or Dare. We had parted flushed and slightly breathless, and sat with our hands clasped together for the rest of the night, and had fallen asleep together, side by side. From that night on we were free to hold hands, hug and cuddle, although we both agreed to keep our relationship a secret from the other students. Losing my virginity to Remus, had been a mind-blowingly intimate act, one that I couldn’t get enough of. We were always running off back to the dormitory when we had a free lesson together, and James and Peter were constantly frustrated with the frequency at which we locked them out of the dormitory. Since we had arrived back at Hogwarts there was not a night where we didn’t share the same bed. Even on full moon nights I would curl up with Remus as Padfoot once the moon had set and stay with him until Madam Pomfrey arrived to escort him back to the castle.

I missed Moony most of all; it was a constant ache in my chest.

Wiping tears from my face I gave up on my homework as a lost cause for the evening and left to carry out my detention with McGonagall. When I returned an hour later I pulled my silver knife out of my bag and examined it. I couldn't see any trace of blood on it but I knew that I would have to purchase a new one. I couldn't afford for the same thing to happen again, no one could find out what I had been doing to myself. I'd find myself on the mind healing ward at St Mungo's if anyone did, a further embarrassment to my parents. I was just reaching for an order form for the apothecary in Hogsmeade when I heard the door to the empty classroom adjoining the office open and close. Heart clenching I hurriedly transformed into Padfoot and dived under the transfigured bed. My ears pricked at the sounds of footsteps coming closer before they stopped outside the door to my adopted bedroom. The doorknob rattled and the door opened inwards. 'Sirius?' a tentative voice called. Lily Evans. I watched from under the bed as her feet came into the room, stopping when she reached the bed. Then suddenly she was on her knees, face peering under the bed, and I bared my teeth, growling at her. 'Shit!' She jumped back, eyes wide and her hand over her heart when she caught sight of me. I stayed as I was hoping she would assume I was a stray who had wondered in from Hogsmeade, and would leave. No such luck though.

'Sirius? I know that's you under there, even in dog form you still have those unmistakable grey eyes.'

I made no move to come out from under the bed. I knew I would in for the bollocking of my life from Evans, she was Remus' best friend outside of the Marauders, and whilst she may not know the details of what had happened between us, she definitely knew that I had Fucked Up, badly hurting Remus.

Evans sighed, and sat down on the floor opposite the bed. 'Please come out Sirius. I promise I'm not going to hex your balls off, tempting as that may be. I just want to talk to you, I'm worried about you.' She blew out a breath. 'Really worried,' she added softly.

I whined in response and clawed my way out from under the bed. Evans' eyes widened and her mouth dropped open in surprise as she took in my animagus form, a black dog the size of a small pony. The air around me shifted and I was human again. Exposed and vulnerable. I sank down on the bed and looked down at my hands, not wanting to make eye contact with her. The bed creaked and dipped as she sat down beside me. 'How are you Sirius? Really?'

I snorted and kept my tone light and airy. 'I'm fine Evans. You know me, nothing and no one can touch me.'

'Bullshit. You wouldn't be in here if everything was fine. I know you've not slept in the dormitory since that night, Peter told me.'

I mentally cursed Peter, traitorous little rat. 'Severus told me you sent him to the Shack deliberately in the hope that Remus would kill him whilst he was a werewolf.'

My head snapped up and I whirled round to look at her, ready to tell her that Snape was a fanciful liar with an overactive imagination. It was Remus' secret, no one was supposed to know, not even us.

Catching sight of my face Lily waved her hand. 'I'm not stupid Sirius, I already knew Remus was a werewolf and it doesn't bother me. He's still my friend, he always will be, and that's exactly what I told him.'

'He knows you know?' I croaked out.

She nodded and a small smile played around her lips. 'I've known for ages, I worked it out in third year but it's never bothered me. I know what it's like to be discriminated against for something you can't help.' The smile left her face as her lips twisted in a grimace and pain briefly swept across her features before her face shifted into a more neutral expression. I knew she was referring to being muggle-born; there were those in Hogwarts-mostly pureblood Slytherins- who believed muggle-borns should not be admitted to the school. And now there were rumblings of a war coming, a dark cloud threatening the horizon of the wizarding world. Deaths of muggle-born witches and wizards was becoming more of a frequent occurrence in the Daily Prophet, and people talked in hushed, anxious tones about the Dark Lord.

'Remus told me what happened...with Severus. So did Severus of course, trying to get me to "see sense," ' Lily made quotation marks with her fingers and rolled her eyes disdainfully. 'Even though Dumbledore expressly told him not to discuss it with anyone.'

I growled low in my throat at the thought of Snivellus shooting his mouth off and my hands reflectively clenched into fists. Evans' lips twisted into self-satisfied smirk. 'Don't worry though, I threatened to tell his cronies a few of his dark secrets if he ever so much as thinks about telling anyone else. Trust me, he'll keep quiet.' My respect for Evans grew a few notches, and I thought I could finally see why James was so infatuated with her.

'Sirius why did you do it?'

My stomach dropped and I made to get up from the bed but she placed her hand on my arm and I stilled, aware that all that separated her hand from my lacerated arm was the thin fabric of my robes. 'Please Sirius, don't go. I wasn't lying when I said I was worried about you. You're so pale, and thin. I haven't seen you at mealtimes in weeks and you're always alone in lessons. Not even James...' she trailed off, concern in her eyes and a look of sadness on her face. 'I know you didn't do it because you thought it would be funny, you're not that cruel. You wouldn't do that to someone you loved simply as a prank.'

'That's what McGonagall said.' I turned my head to look at Evans, to find her staring at me with a solemn expression and sympathetic eyes. She put her arm around my waist, drawing in my thin form and I laid my head against her shoulder, breathing in her flowery scent. _Honeysuckle_ I thought absently.

'So tell me why.' An invitation, softly given.

I thought for a minute, carefully considering what to tell her but when I opened my mouth it all tumbled out. Snape, his taunts, my fear of Remus' head mounted on a wall, the unexpected detention from Slughorn, the agony that had been the past few weeks. I told her all of it, even about James, Peter and I becoming illegal animagi, I only left out the part about the blood imbibed silver knife and the scarred flesh on my arm. By the time I had finished my voice was hoarse and I was crying, crying like I hadn't done in years before I learnt that no one ever came when I cried. It was a sign of weakness, boys don't cry, especially Blacks Mother had always said. Evans just rubbed my back, like no one but Remus had ever done for me and waited it out, wordlessly handing me a tissue transfigured from a bit of scrap parchment to blow my nose when the worst of it had subsided.

'I'm going to hex Severus into the middle of next week when I next lay eyes on him,' Evans said angrily when she finally spoke. 'He's been suspicious of Remus for ages, he was always badgering me about him when we were still friends. Wanting to know where he went every month when he wasn't in lessons. It was just bad luck that he managed to work it out and that Mulciber saw you two together. He knew exactly what buttons to push to get you to tell him where Remus goes.'

'It was all my fault, not his.'

Evans shook her head. 'You may be impulsive and reckless, and have a total disregard for rules in general but you're not cruel to the people you love. Peter a little, yes, but you don't care for him the way you do Remus and James. And you would never try to kill Peter. Severus is as much at fault, he didn't have to act on the information you gave him. He had worked out that Remus was a werewolf, what exactly did he think was going to happen when he encountered him in the shack? That they would sit down to tea?' Evans scoffed. 'No. You gave him the information but Severus _chose_ to act on it.'

The shock of having someone on my side, who believed in me was too much to take in. I felt overwhelmed and lightheaded and all of a sudden I felt like I couldn't breathe, as if an invisible assailant had hit me in the chest. I gasped for air and my heart struggled as I tried to suck air into my lungs. I distantly registered Evans crouching down in front of me and taking my hand.

'Breathe with me Sirius. In for the count of three, one...two...three...And out for the count of three, one...two...three...'

We breathed in and out together until my lungs no longer felt like they were constricted by an iron band and black dots no longer swam in my vision. I suddenly felt ashamed of displaying my weakness so blatantly in front of Evans, and I ducked my head unable to look at her because of the censure I was sure to see on her face.

Several minutes passed in silence and when the worst of my embarrassment had passed I raised my head, only to see Evans holding my silver potions knife in her hand. Panic and horror coursed through my body. She knew. She had to. That was why she had come here, she would report me to Dumbledore, to McGonagall, my parents would find out, they'd take me from Hogwarts and lock me up at home, I'd be made a prisoner in my own-

'Sirius breathe before you pass out.'

I obeyed and exhaled deeply, not realising that I had been holding my breath, dumbstruck with horror. I could feel my body trembling, much like after my mother had hit me with the Cruciatus curse except this was far worse.

Evans looked at me, her expression solemn but there was sympathy and kindness in her eyes. 'I was suspicious after what happened in Potions earlier. I'd been wanting to talk to you for days but I had no idea where you went after lessons ended. Anyway the incident in Potions clinched it and I did a tracking spell to find you. Merlin knows the other boys were no help.'

I ignored the stab of pain in my heart. They could have told her where I was easily enough if they had checked the Marauder's Map, the fact that they hadn't... Well it was clear they didn't think I was worthy of any human contact. Mind you neither did I.

'You'll have to get a new knife you know, you can't use this one anymore or you'll have more explosions like the one today. Human blood is a very volatile substance in potions.'

I cleared my throat. 'I was about to fill out an order form for a new one when you came in.'

'Why can't you just go and buy one- oh right. You've been banned from Hogsmeade, I'd forgotten.'

I just smiled wryly and lifted one shoulder in a half shrug. 'I imagine Zonko's will on the verge of insolvency without me there to buy up their supplies of dungbombs.'

Evans laughed and nodded in agreement. 'I can get you a new one tomorrow if you'd like, it's the last Hogsmeade trip of the year.'

I started to shake my head, to deny her offer but she just raised an eyebrow at me. I sighed in defeat and she smiled victoriously. Her expression sobered though and I knew what was coming. The joviality of the past minute dissipated.

'Sirius...Have you seen anyone about it? Talked to anyone else? Madam Pomfrey could help.'

'Madam Pomfrey hates me. She put wards up on the hospital wing doors after...After. I can't go in. Anyway there's nothing wrong with me Evans.'

'You know there's a group that meets once a fortnight in the castle. Students like you, who are struggling. It's run by a mind-healer from St Mungo's.'

I started to protest, the last thing I needed was for the rest of the student body to find out what a freak I was. I was already an outcast, I didn't need to add headcase to the list. Evans talked right over my protests though. 'It's completely confidential, nothing gets reported back to Dumbledore or the heads of houses. They know who attends, so they can be there for support when needed, but they do not actively play a role. You'd be surprised to see who goes Sirius, it's not all outcasts and losers.'

Evans' voice softened at the end and I looked up at her in surprise. 'Do you-'

She nodded curtly.

'Oh.' I was shocked, Evans had always struck me as the kind of person who could take on the world and win. 'What-I mean, not that it's any of my business...'

'I get anxious sometimes,' she confessed softly. 'Sometimes I feel as if I'm just faking my way through life and it's only a matter of time until I'm found out.' She cleared her throat. 'So there we go, if you want to know more you'll have to come to the support group. Wednesday evenings at seven thirty on the charms corridor. If you want to attend let McGonagall know and you won't have to serve detention that evening. So that should make the offer more enticing right?' she smirked and then stood up, stretching her hand out toward me.

I frowned at it, not sure what I was supposed to do with it. Evans sighed. 'Dinner Sirius. I know how to get into the kitchens and you're coming with me.' She grabbed me bodily and started to drag me from the room, ignoring my protests that I wasn't hungry.

After dinner that night, where she placed only a small amount of the food offered by the house elves on my plate and smiled happily when I had eaten it all, Evans, or Lily as I was now starting to think of her, sat beside me in every lesson we shared. She sat beside me in the meals I attended, and brought me food when I couldn't face eating in the Great Hall. James and Peter were not to oblivious to this, and I was subjected to many menacing glares and dark mutterings. I still sat on my own in Potions but Lily made a point of saying hello to me in every lesson. With my new knife I did not have any more potions explode on me, but I continued to use the old knife to score new lines into my skin until my forearm was a lattice of silver and purple scars, intersected with fresh and half-healed cuts.

Having Lily as a friend was a wonderful support during the last few weeks of term, but when it came time to leave Hogwarts for the summer holidays I felt as if my knees had been cut out from underneath me. I would be leaving school to return home to Grimmauld Place for the summer, back to that oppressive house full of dark magic, this time without the safety net of my friends. I had no doubt my Mother had plans for my punishment and I had seriously been considering hiding in the castle grounds as Padfoot for the summer. I knew that she would send Kreacher to find me though, and then the punishment would be even worse. She had been threatening to send me to Durmstrang since I was first sorted into Gryffindor, and I was scared that this time she would follow through with her threats if I displeased her any further.

As soon as I stepped over the threshold of Grimmauld Place my wand was confiscated and I was sent to my room. I spent two weeks there until finally I was allowed out of my room for what was to be my last night at Grimmauld Place.

I lay trembling in a puddle of my own vomit and piss as I listened to Mother's footsteps recede down the hall, lacking the strength to even move my head. I lay there for Merlin only knew how long, drifting in and out of consciousness until I felt a tug on my arm, rousing me into wakefulness.

'Sirius wake up,' a voice whispered pleadingly. 'Please, you need to wake up now, before she comes back.'

With difficulty I opened my eyes to see Regulus, my brother, crouched in front of me, a stricken expression on his face. 'Siri I'm so sorry,' he whispered. 'I didn't know she was going to do this to you, I swear.'

'This' would be the Cruciatus curse, my mother thought that if she hit me with it enough times she could somehow drive the gay out of me. That she found out about my homosexual proclivities was down to an 'accidental' slip at the dinner table courtesy of Regulus.

I could do little more than grunt at him, my throat felt like I had swallowed razor wire after screaming myself hoarse.

'I have your wand, I snuck into Father's study and stole it. Here, you need to take it.' Regulus prised open my hand, still clenched into a fist, and placed my wand in it, before closing my fingers around it. 'You need to leave, now, for your own safety Sirius. She'll kill you otherwise.'

Regulus stood up and summoned Kreacher, our house elf. 'Kreacher I need you to do something for me.'

'Master no, master mustn't do this. If mistress finds out you will be punished terribly.'

'Then we must make sure she doesn't. Take Sirius to the Potter Manor in Devon, and make sure you take his trunk with you as well.'

I felt a small hand grip my arm and I heard a muttered 'goodbye Sirius' before I felt like I was being compressed, squeezed along a tunnel. The next thing I knew I was being unceremoniously dumped on the living room floor of the Potter Manor. There was a shark crack as Kreacher disapparated and I only got a quick glimpse of the bewildered faces of Euphemia and Fleamont Potter before I was sick all over the floor at their feet, and promptly passed out.

I awoke to the sound of voices and blearily opened my eyes to see James, Lily and Peter sat around my bed, talking softly. Looking around I noticed I was in the same bedroom I always had when I stayed at the Potter's. I must have made a noise of some kind because they abruptly stopped talking and all turned to look at me, rising up out of their chairs.

'Sirius, you're awake.' Lily rushed over to me. 'Here let me help you sit up.' I allowed her to manhandle me into a sitting position and then bring a glass of water up to my lips and tilt it. I opened my mouth to drink, the water was ice cold despite the warmth of the bedroom, a charm of Lily's I idly thought. I swallowed the water with difficulty but it soothed the burning sensation in my throat. I nodded to indicate I'd had enough and Lily took the glass away and sat down beside me on the bed, grasping my hand, face contorted in sympathy. James was stoney faced by contrast, and Peter looked nervous, his eyes flitting between James and I, as if he expected us to start brawling.

'What happened Sirius?' Lily asked, gently squeezing my hand. A silent message of support.

'Parents...Cruciatus...know I'm gay,' I managed to croak out, my voice raspy and throat sore after hours of screaming myself hoarse at my Mother's hands.

Lily's eyes glistened with tears and looked to be about to say something else when she was interrupted by Peter. 'Did they do that to your arm?' he asked, nodding to my left forearm which was littered with cuts, old and new, and silver scars.

Too late I realised I was wearing a short-sleeved t-shirt not my own; my arm was on display for the world to see. Hastily I shoved it under the covers, feeling my face burning red, and unable to meet anyone's eye. Abruptly James stood up and stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him, without saying a word. Lily and Peter watched open-mouthed at his retreating back, Peter shocked and Lily resigned. They both then turned back to look at me.

'I'm still tired,' I mumbled before yawning in exhaustion, glad I didn't have to fake the jaw cracking yawn. Already I could feel my eyelids drooping drowsily.

'Of course.' Lily stood and helped me lie back down, pulling the blanket over me. 'If you need anything tap this bell with your wand.' She gestured to a bell I hadn't noticed before on the bedside table, my wand lying next to it. I mumbled an affirmative and slid bonelessly into sleep.

When I woke the second time it was on the back of a nightmare; the same nightmare that I had been having since that night. I burst out of sleep and sat up, looking wildly around for Remus. 'Where's Moony? I need Moony! Where is he where is he where is he?'

Lily, James and Peter who were sat next to my bed started and were all talking over each other in an effort to calm me. I didn't listen, all I knew was that I couldn't see Moony anywhere and I was terrified that the ministry had him, that they were going to execute him. I was screaming for Moony, and in the back of my mind I could see Lily crying, Peter looking terrified and I could feel James' arms around me, trying to physically restrain me from getting up and searching for Moony. I took no notice though and fought to be free of James' embrace. 'REMUS. WHERE'S REMUS? THEY HAVE HIM, THEY'RE GOING TO KILL HIM.' I saw Mr and Mrs Potter burst into the room and the last thing I registered was Mr Potter pointing his wand at me, and red sparks hitting me in the chest.

When I awoke for the third time dusk had fallen, and Remus was sat in the chair next to my bed, reading by the dim light of the lamp on the bedside table. I tried to lie as still as possible and not make any noise, I wanted to be able to drink in the sight of him. I felt like a dying man in the desert who had just been given his first drink of water after days spent dying of thirst. Moony had a new scar on his face, across the bridge of his nose, and I could see a cut on his hand which travelled under the sleeve of his careworn jumper. Injuries sustained in a full moon where I wasn't there to stop him from biting and attacking himself. Prongs was good at distracting Moony, playing and tumbling with him through the Forbidden Forest but it was Padfoot who was the best at keeping Moony from turning on himself. I wondered sadly what other injuries and scars there were hidden beneath his clothing. My eyes were drawn to his hands and the long fingers which carefully turned the page of the book he was reading, Homer's _Iliad_. His right hand absently scratched at the new scar on his face before reaching for the mug of tea placed beside him on the bedside table. His wand was also placed there, lying next to mine.

Part of me wondered if I was still asleep because I didn't understand why he was here. We hadn't spoken since before the incident, not counting the letter I wrote to him explaining, and he had not so much as even glanced in my direction since then. I had been the recipient of plenty of dirty looks and murderous glares from James but Remus had acted as if I simply didn't exist. That perhaps had been the hardest thing to cope with. That someone can go from loving you in a multitude of ways- lingering glances, the press of their lips, heated touches- to no longer acknowledging your existence. The loss of Remus had cut the deepest.

I must have made a noise of some kind because Remus suddenly glanced up from his book to look at me. His eyebrows raised and an emotion too brief to read flashed in his eyes before he schooled his face into a neutral expression, pulling the shutters down. 'You're awake.' I nodded. 'I'll go and get Euphemia.' He marked his page in his book, and rose, tucking the book under his arm. He was almost to the door when I called his name, voice still hoarse. 'Moony.'

He stilled but did not turn around. 'Yes Sirius?'

I swallowed. There was so much I wanted to say to Remus but the words would not come and I knew he wasn't ready to hear them. 'Nothing, doesn't matter.' His shoulders relaxed ever so slightly, you would only have seen it if you were watching for it and I was. He opened the door and walked out, pulling the door closed behind him. My vision blurred and my throat ached with unshed tears, and I longed suddenly for the reassuring feel of my silver knife in my hand, cool against my fevered skin. Instead I reached shakily, weak with lack of food and water, for my wand and muttered a quick spell to glamour the marks on my arm.

Seconds later Mrs Potter bustled in through the door, carrying a tray piled high with food and a jug of pumpkin juice and plonked it down in my lap. 'Remus said you had woken up dear so I've brought you up some food. You must be hungry, you've been asleep for nearly two days. There's a couple of potions on there for you as well, one for your throat- Lily said it sounded raw- and a strength building potion too. I expect you're feeling quite weak after two days in bed without anything to eat or drink.'

I looked down at the tray of food in front of me and felt my stomach roll with nausea. Although I had built back up to eating small meals in the last few weeks of term at Hogwarts, once I had returned home to Grimmauld Place I had been locked in my room without meals, as punishment for what I had done. I was given water once a day, and Kreacher brought me scraps of food when he felt like it which wasn't very often at all. The day I left home was the first time I had been let out of my bedroom in two weeks, and only because my parents were hosting a dinner with the Averys and Yaxleys. I felt ill faced with the food laden table, and the first sip of wine burned my stomach, making the nausea worsen. My mother noticed me picking at my food, pushing it around my plate instead of eating it and she had sent a heated glare in my direction. As the evening wore on the reason for the meal transpired, my parents were planning to wed me to the Avery's middle daughter; aligning two pureblood houses. That is until Regulus let it slip that he didn't think heirs would be forthcoming because of my preference for men. My mother had been furious, pale and tightlipped. Father had tried to laugh if off as a joke- boys will be boys, but uncertainty lingered on the faces of Mr and Mrs Avery. As soon as our guests had left my Mother marched me to my room, unleashing her fury on me, casting Cruciatus after Cruciatus curse on me until my body couldn't take anymore and I had soiled myself. Only then did she retreat in disgust, ordering me to clean my mess up.

Now I stared down at the tray of food Mrs Potter had placed on my lap and tried to ignore the nausea. I drank the potions and forced down a slice of bread and butter and a small glass of pumpkin juice whilst Mrs Potter sat down in the chair Remus had recently vacated and chatted to me about non-consequential matters. When it became clear I wasn't going to eat anymore she frowned but didn't say anything. I exhaled in relief when she vanished the tray, I had been expecting her to try and cajole me into eating more food.

'I'm sorry I was sick all over your floor. And I'm sorry for turning up unannounced, my bro- Regulus ordered our house elf Kreacher to bring me here.'

'It's ok Sirius, a vanishing spell and a quick scourgify took care of that. As for turning up unannounced, you've always been welcome here whatever time of day or night it is. I did however have to owl your parents to let them know you were here,' she sniffed unhappily.

I blanched, they wouldn't be happy when they found out I was at the Potter's. As far as my parents were concerned they were the biggest blood traitors after the Weasleys, and muggle lovers to boot.

'I'm not going back there. You can't make me-'

Mrs Potter clucked her tongue. 'Of course we're not making you go back there. Lily told us what you said the first time you woke up, as if we'd send you back to that kind of environment. If I'd had my way I would have taken you in your first year of Hogwarts. But you're here now and that's what matters, I'm just sorry for what you've had to go through.'

'Thank you,' I said quietly.

'There's no need to thank me Sirius, you're a second son to us. I just wish we could have done something sooner,' Mrs Potter looked so sad for a split second and a sheen of tears coated her eyes, but then she seemed to pull herself together and she beamed at me. 'This is officially your room now, so you can decorate it anyway you like. I'm sure James will want to help you with that.'

I shook my head slowly. 'I doubt that, he's pretty angry with me. As he has every right to be. In fact it would probably be best if I left, I could go to my Uncle Alphard's.'

Mrs Potter narrowed her eyes at me and placed her hands on her hips. 'You will do no such thing Sirius Orion Black. I know that things are difficult between the four of you right now but just give it time. I think you'll find though that James is outside the door now waiting impatiently to talk to you.' She flicked her wand in the direction of the door, it swung inwards and James fell through the doorway landing on the hardwood floor. Mrs Potter rolled her eyes and pulled me into a warm hug, kissing the top of my head. 'We love you Sirius, don't forget that.' She released me from the embrace, smiled fondly at me and retreated from the room, leaving James and I alone.

We stared at each other awkwardly for a moment, and just as I was opening my mouth to say sorry, to apologise for all that I'd done, James threw himself at me and all the air left my lungs as the full weight of James Fleamont Potter landed on top of me. He wrapped his arms around me and laid his head on my chest under my chin. I had no idea what to make of this, the last physical contact between us was him punching me in the face in the Gryffindor Tower after the incident, as I'd come to call it in my mind. Instead now, James was clinging to me like a flobberworm. I couldn't move my arms because they were trapped by James and so I just lay there and enjoyed the embrace, breathing in the smell that was James Potter; broom polish, wood and forest. Several minutes later, sniffling, James sat up, looking sheepish with red rimmed eyes.

'I'm so sorry Sirius.'

'I- what?' I was so taken back, those were the last word I ever expected to hear from James' mouth, not after what I had done.

'I shouldn't have abandoned you after what happened, I should have talked to you and asked you why you did it. Instead you were all alone and doing that to yourself.' He nodded at my left arm and I felt myself shrink back against the pillows. 'I should have been there for you and I wasn't, I'm so sorry Sirius. I've been a crap best friend and brother.'

I shook my head. 'No James I deserved it, I fucked up. Really fucked up and you have every right to hate me. I shouldn't even be here in your house, I don't deserve your family's kindness after what I did. You could have been killed Jamie.'

'I was fine Pads, if I'd had to I would have transformed into the stag and just claimed that Snivellus was having hysterical hallucinations if he said anything about it.'

My lips twitched at the thought of Snivellus in the throes of hysteria, being carted off glassy eyed to the Hospital Wing. Oh but I shouldn't be laughing, it didn't feel right, like my face had forgotten how to smile after so many weeks with nothing to smile about. It quickly slipped off my face and James' eyes darkened.

'Lily yelled at me before the end of term, told me you were suffering and that I should be a better friend to you, but I was still angry and I didn't want to feel like I was betraying Remus. But now I see I should have just come and talked to you, not waited until you'd been tortured by your fucking bat shit insane parents.'

'I deserved it.'

'No Sirius, no one deserves to have that done to them. Being gay is not a sin, your parents are just bigots.'

I shook my head. 'No, I deserved it for what I did to Moony.'

James looked horror-struck. 'But Pads they could have killed you!'

'Yes like I nearly got you, Remus and Snape killed!'

'Not on purpose, your parents were trying to deliberately hurt you. You are not your family Sirius and I'm so sorry I said that. It was wrong of me.' James hung his head in shame and I felt so guilty for putting him, and the rest of my friends, through this. I'd nearly gotten him killed and his parents had still taken me in, were giving me somewhere to live when they should hate me.

I placed my hand on James' arm. 'Jamie it's ok.'

He shook his head. 'No Pads it's not.' Looking up he took a deep breath. 'Let's talk about this properly. Tell me why you did it.'


End file.
